“I love you, I need you, like a thousand times before.” This past weekend was dreadful for me, I will admit that. I felt torn apart, like we were losing everything we’d worked so hard to build up. I’d never felt so alone; so incomplete. I’m so, so glad we were able to work everything out. I’m just really glad we always have the ability to work these things through. Of course it’s painful, but I think it’s not as painful as this kind of thing is for other people. Never any yelling, never any anger. There’s tears, obviously. But every hardship is accompanied by a little tears. I’m grateful for the unbreakable bond and inevitable understanding we have with each other that holds us together through the good times and the bad. And I’m even more grateful that what happened this weekend didn’t change any of that; in fact, it made us stronger. Just like every obstacle does. I love you.
Today is Mother’s Day. The second I checked my Facebook news feed, I knew I’d regret it. Seeing all those “Happy Mother’s Day” posts was completely and utterly depressing, knowing I didn’t have a mom to share it with. No, she’s not dead. No, she doesn’t live across the sea. I don’t even know where she lives these days. She’s shut me out of her life, and it’s been that way for a long, long time. So yeah, Mother’s Day is pretty painful, I’d say, to know that the woman who gave me a life doesn’t care about it enough to want to stay in it. Every day, I see my friends give their mother’s the cold shoulder, and yell at them, and it pains me to see that, because I’d give anything to have a mother in my life. The ones who have moms take them for granted. And in general, I don’t feel all too great about myself as a result of this. It makes me wonder what I did that was so wrong and repulsive that made her disappear. It’s hard growing up without a mom to be there for you and help you through your teenage years. Sometimes, I think it’d be easier if she was dead. I know that sounds horrid, but it’d be more comforting if she was staying away because she had to, instead of staying away by her choice, which is the case. And I keep trying to convince myself that I don’t care anymore and that I’m better of without her, but the thing is, I do care. I care too much. I can’t lie to myself - And it kills me inside that the one person who’s never supposed to leave my side did. I miss you, Mom.
A month ago, I’ll admit, I had my doubts. Not about the way I feel about you, but about the way you feel about me. I would look at you and be searching for something, anything that would reassure me and tell me that you wanted us to last. And then, all of a sudden, everything changed - You made all my doubts disappear. And I realized that I’m just as important to you as you are to me, which I deemed entirely impossible previously. And now I can say that I’ve been in love - because I am. I’m completely in love with you, and it’s the best feeling of the world - and it can only get better from here. You’re the reason I enjoy being alive.
I remember when I would be too scared to try to look pretty some days, because if I did, they’d all just laugh. They would tell me not to waste my time trying, because I couldn’t pull off pretty if my life depended on it. My confidence was drained. And then I met you. You, who thought I was beautiful when you first met me, even without makeup and without straight hair. You gradually gave me confidence in myself. Generally, you always want to be with someone who brings out the best in you. Well now I know how that feels, because when you’re smiling and confident, you are showing the best side of you. And I just wanted to thank you, because not only do you make me feel loved and important, but you also make me feel pretty. And that’s something I’ve never really had the chance to feel.
“Drowning in tears that wont be me - I will soon be free from the chains of all this pain inside, and though I cry it wont be long till I regain the strength to know I can go on. I will find my way through the heart break I will not give up on love. I believe.. I will learn to love again, I will learn to trust. Once this heart can start to mend, I will learn to learn to love again. All of these tears; time will dry them. I will survive them and make it through into another day all of this pain. Time will heal it, there will be a time sometime I know, I won’t feel it. I will live through life without you after the hurting is done. I believe I will learn to love again.”
“Ten miles from town, and I just broke down, spittin’ out smoke on the side of the road. I’m out here alone just tryin’ to get home to tell you I was wrong but you already know; Believe me I won’t stop at nothin’ to see you so I’ve started runnin’. All that I’m after is a life full of laughter as long as I’m laughing with you. I’m thinkin’ that all that still matters is love ever after, after the life we’ve been through, ‘cause I know there’s no life after you. Last time we talked, the night that I walked, burns like an iron in the back of my mind. I must’ve been high to say you and I weren’t meant to be and just wasting my time. Oh, why did I ever doubt you? You know I would die here without you”
Today, you told me that the best dream come true ever would be to be able to go to sleep with me in your arms every night and wake up next to me every morning so you could say good morning beautiful instead of having to facebook message it. Just goes to show you’re living proof of the perfect guy, and proves the relevance of the quote “A great guy doesn’t have to unbutton your shirt to get to your heart”
“If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.”
- Johnny Depp.
“When the night won’t fall and the sun won’t rise and you see the best as you close your eyes; When you reach the top as you bottom out, but you understand what it’s all about. Nothing’s ever what it seems in your life or in your dreams. It don’t make sense, what can you do, so I won’t try making sense of you. Love just is whatever it may be, love just is .. you and me. Nothing less and nothing more, I don’t know what I love you for.. love just is.”
I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I ever doubted you. I’m sorry I ever made you feel like you weren’t trying hard enough. I’m sorry that I’m not the perfect girl. I’m sorry my emotions are the cause of the only hurt you ever feel, and I’m sorry I doubted that you ever felt hurt. Now it’s clear to me, you love me and you always have and always will. You’re the one for me.
I feel lucky. Not because I have a boyfriend and other people don’t. But because I found someone worth it who loves me for who I am. I have someone who understands me better than anyone in the world, maybe better than I understand myself. And for that I feel lucky, because I’m in love with my best friend. They say love is friendship on fire. And I wouldn’t trade what we have for the world.
“The stars lean down to kiss you, and I lie awake and miss you. Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere. Cause I’ll doze off safe and soundly, but I’ll miss your arms around me. I’d send a postcard to you, dear, ‘cause I wish you were here. I’ll watch the night turn light blue, but it’s not the same without you, because it takes two to whisper quietly. The silence isn’t so bad, till I look at my hands and feel sad, ‘cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly. I’ll find repose in new ways though I haven’t slept in two days, ‘cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone. But drenched in vanilla twilight, I’ll sit on the front porch all night waist deep in thought because when I think of you I don’t feel so alone.”
“I painted your room at midnight, so I’d know yesterday was over. I put all your books on the top shelf, even the one with the four leaf clover, man, I’m getting older. I took all your pictures off the wall and wrapped them in a news paper blanket. I haven’t slept in what seems like a century, and now I can barely breathe. Just like a crow chasing the butterfly, dandelions lost in the summer sky. When you and I were getting high as outer space, I never thought you’d slip away. I guess I was just a little too late. Your words still serenade me, your lullabies won’t let me sleep. I’ve never heard such a haunting melody. Oh, it’s killing me, you know I can barely breathe.”